i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
