One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
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