bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Randomize
