I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
