It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
