I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
