i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
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