Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
