Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
