haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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