he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
