If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Randomize
