its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
