I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
