i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Randomize
