Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
