it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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