Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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