I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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