I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
