i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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