I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
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