Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
