I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
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