Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
