yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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