Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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