she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
