I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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