Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Randomize
