There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
