If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Randomize
