I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
