Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
