Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
