One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
You peed on a flamingo?!?
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
