3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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