Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
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