I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
