what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
And then my night got REAL pukey
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
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