also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I party with great urgency now.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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