Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
