he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
