I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
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