Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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