I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
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