I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Randomize
