The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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