I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
tequila makes me forget i have legs
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
