I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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