I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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