ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
