why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
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